all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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