dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
