Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
