The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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