I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
