Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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