i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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