Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
