I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
