Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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