Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
