I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
