So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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