The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS