cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
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They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.