Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.