that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".