His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
