He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
