Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
