I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
