my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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