Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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