If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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