i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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