Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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