I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
