i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
