so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
