probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
