i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
