How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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