this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
