I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
