Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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