In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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