apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
