i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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