Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
