Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
