I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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