On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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