The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
