phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
