Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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