I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
