i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
