i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
