I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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