she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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