Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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