please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
