did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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