Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
