Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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