I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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