I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
