so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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